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April 1, 2008
Posted: 1406 GMT
LONDON, England – “Never write a letter when you are angry” says the old Chinese proverb. To which I would reply: “Never take a letter to London Heathrow’s new Terminal Five unless you want to become Very Angry Indeed.” Not only did they get the big things wrong at Terminal Five, like forgetting that passengers would be bringing bags with them or that staff would need somewhere to park. They made a fair old mess of some of the little ones too. “How are the stress levels?” I asked the check-in lady as I headed for Bucharest on Monday. “Not too bad so far,” she replied. “But then I’ve only worked here for an hour.” My own blood pressure was soon on the rise. Having deposited my bag and acquired my boarding pass I inquired where I could post the two urgent letters I had penned at dawn. “No idea” said the first tee-shirted “Can I help you?” person whom I passed. ”I don’t think they’ve put any post boxes in Terminal Five,” said the second. “I’ll have to ask.” She disappeared to do so, never to be seen again. They’ve got Prada and Harrods and Caviar House. But no postbox? I persevered. “Oh yes there is one — down in Arrivals,” said another. So I tried again. Surely in the huge Departures section somebody had thought of providing a receptacle for passengers who needed to post a letter.“Oh I think there is a post box somewhere on this level too,” said the next helpful soul. “But I’ve no idea where.” Cue for a helpful male by the departures desk, by my count adviser No 5. “Oh yes there’s a post box airside,” he declared. “Are you really, really sure?” I asked. “I don’t want to get the other side of immigration and find I can’t post my letter.” “I can guarantee it,” he declared, with all the certainty of those who tell you “I’ll put the cheque in the post today,” or who promise “Honestly, guv, this horse is the fastest thing on four legs.” ”You really can guarantee it?” I pressed. “Er, well , I’m pretty sure,” he replied, which reduced things to somewhere short of a sure-fire certainty. So I sought more assurance. ”I’ll check,” he said. While he did so, another of the cluster of problem-solvers chimed in. “There are postboxes in the building,” she said helpfully. “But they were all sealed off when the Queen came to open the Terminal and they haven’t been re-opened yet. “I bet they’d have opened one if she had asked. After all, it is still called the Royal Mail. Back came informant No 5. Yes there is definitely a post box the other side, after the security checks, he declared. He had the sort of face which made me trust him. So, having retrieved my shoes and laptop bag, I renewed my quest airside with anybody who appeared to have some vague connection with running Terminal Five. “Can you tell me where the postbox is?“Don’t know, sorry.” “No idea.” “Don’t think there is one.” “Not this side, Sir. “Finally I saw a fast-striding , black-suited lady with a British Airports Authority logo. I caught up with her and tackled her as she reached a gent who was clearly her boss. “Tell me please where the post box is,” I said through teeth so gritted by now that I was spewing chips of enamel.“Nothing this side,” said the boss man. “You should have asked before you came airside. There isn’t a post box here. “I embarked on a short and succinct version of the inquiries I had made and the answers I had been given. The clipped tones may have been a hint for clearly he detected the red mist rising. Stretching out a hand, he interjected: “Give them to me Sir, I’ll see they are posted.” You can see how some people make it to management.As for my guarantor, terminal side, if I ever see him again it will be a case of “Come in No 5. Your time is Up.” Posted by: CNN European Political Editor, Robin Oakley |
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